Splatoon has been a huge part of my life since I first saw it while visiting Ina back in July. I bought the game and Wii U in mid august and with help from some new amazing friends, I have been able to become a relatively awesome player! I work hard and practice, learning from my mistakes and from others I play with/watch on Youtube. Now that I am a master of Turf War and level 40, I have proven myself good enough to be on a squad and to really wean on into Ranked mode.
As much as I am excited for the new opportunity and learning experience; I have a major flaw that will interfere with the beginning stages.
Much like Turf War, I was petrified playing with other people online. Was I good enough? Would I ever been good enough? The answer is yes but I had to work for it though now I can admit that is it much different playing solo than with friends.
Now I have gotten to the point that I actually need to play ranked to get anywhere at my level.
Let's start with my actual mental disorder diagnosed as Generalized Anxiety Disorder and how it comes into play with Splatoon. Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) comes with subcategories of different anxieties, six if I remember correctly. I have two and one of them is Perfectionist Anxiety. My dad is a perfectionist so I am sure some of this spikes from my upbringing. If I cannot do something perfectly, I had failed. I am petrified if the thought of failure. Failure is not an option and can never be an option.
Ranked mode in Splatoon shoves failure in your face. It's to mostly help you grow more determined. It makes me want to crawl in a little ball. Obviously I have grown with this anxiety and learned to counter it. Yes I have failed and I can only get better by practicing. That is the only way I cannot fail. It's much easier said that done. I will go into Ranked being ok with knowing I will fail because I don't practice enough due to this fear of failure but midway I will become very anxious and never want to do it again. I know I have to push myself and get over this anxiety. I WANT to be a high ranked Splatoon player because I KNOW I'm good enough if I try. I just ask my friends and squad members to see this fear I am trying to overcome and allow me to take more breaks than usual.
Next is my personality trait: ISTJ Being a part of a squad or ranking with friends is also stressful. With Ranked mode shoving failure in your face, it also makes you question if you didn't just fail for yourself but if you failed your friends. As an ISTJ, failing a friend is not ever, ever an option. We certainly have a hard time expressing certain feelings and emotions but our close friends are close and we cherish them like family.
So this is why I am quite flaky when someone asks me to rank with them. It is an excuse I hide behind but for most of my life, I have been fighting anxiety so it cannot define who I am. I WILL get over, but I WILL need more support and encouragement to help me get over that wall. ;w;